missing

i have this thing when i travel. i had it the whole time i lived in england and the whole time i lived in scotland. there are quite a few people who can attest to this routine behaviour. i wait till the absolute last minute to pack. then i end up staying awake all night, even after i have finished packing, doing random things. like writing in my travel journal, or emailing friends, or staring out the window at the london skyline. or like writing an entry in my blog which has been covered in cobwebs since christmas.

i am heading to germany this weekend for the wedding of a very good friend of mine from college. it is completely impracticle for me to go. i have no money and my fiance and i are attempting to save for our own wedding but it is one of my bestest and i can't not be there. i will not even have much time to spend with him, what with all the folks there, but it is important to us both that i be there. it is also important for me to be there because i will be meeting up with another soulpal from living abroad. oh my some girl, i miss you so. and thinking about missing you, and needing you in my life more reminds me off all those folks i miss.

i guess this longing is really apparent right now because the boy and i are on the point of not even having a wedding since they are too damn expensive per guest-head. but my friends are me and i can't imagine not having them there with me. why do people have to equal money? why is the wedding industry such a sham? it's a real struggle. and i know it sounds kind of petty. i know there are people out there with bigger problems than this. (i watched the constant gardener tonight so the irony was way obvious.) but not being able to have a wedding for me is a huge symbol of a much bigger aspect of my life.

when i was a little girl, i promised myself that i would do 'better' than my parents. i wouldn't have the thrown together family bbq that was their wedding. it worked for them, but it wasn't a choice in my mind. i wanted my people there, from near and far. and yet, here i am, back in the same area i grew up in, feeling so less further evolved than them. about to have an even more white trash wedding. thank god i am in grad school or i would really be feeling depressed about my lack of forward motion. at least this weekend in germany will remind me of all i had, and chose not to have now. it will be good to meet up with old friends, including my insomniac world travelling former self.