there is nothing i am worse at than being bad

and this statement totally takes on two meanings...

1- i am awful at breaking the rules. even little illegal things make me shudder with guilt. like smoking a joint in a club in london. when my friend pulled one out, i was sure i was soon to be deported. somehow it didn't click that all the people around me might be on far worse chemical yummies. but i did it (peer pressure!) and managed to somehow escape the radar of scotland yard. and they call themselves police!

i am always the first to be the voice of common sense, the parent if you will. i would never dream of driving even after only two beers. i feel really anxious every time i am standing even relatively close to private property signs (a sure sign i am an american, according to some of my british friends). in high school, when my friends would go hang out at night at the town pool, or skipped school, i was always the one they had to drag along kicking and screaming.

not only do my friends balk at my goody two shoes nature, but so does my boyfriend. let me paint the scene... we live in a tres small mountain town in new york state. we had super floods this year and they wiped out the bridge that leads from our house into town. when the bridge is open, it is a simple 5 minute walk to all the bare necessities. when they recently closed it to (presumably) fix it, the walk turned into a 20 minute hike to reach the second bridge, at the other end of town. now, when i say they closed the bridge, i use the term 'close' loosely. what they really did (at first) was just park an extra large construction vehicle across the entrance. you could easily still get across, so, naturally, everyone still did. seeing that the behemoth electrical truck did nothing to deter the mighty mountain townsfolk, the county workers then brought out the big guns and put one of those concrete barriers across (the kind they use to divide highways). unfortunately, someone in the shop didn't quite measure right (or didn't quite care to) and the barrier was a good two feet short of the width of the bridge. just the perfect size for a human to walk through. the saga continued when they also erected a nice big "bridge closed" sign. they must have figured that now people would get the picture. if only they were so lucky. while i, dutiful town citizen that i am, long ago gave up crossing (to be honest, even the big scary truck made me feel not wanted), my boyfriend (he's a rebel and i love him so) felt he couldn't be stopped by any silly county workers. it took him till they finally broke down and put up an additional "sidewalk closed sign" to be slightly wary. but even that didn't completely stop him. what did eventually was some big dude in a neon orange shirt yelling at him to "get the %$#! off the bridge".

now, this is probably what it would take to stop most people from using their beloved bridge (indeed, even the timid fishermen folk were not scared away from their trout by such signs). but not me. in my law abiding logic, all it took to change my running route was a slight hint they might not want us on the bridge anymore.

i am a law makers dream.

i am a wuss.

2-the other way in which i am not good at being bad is that i suck at not doing things well. the minute i realize i don't have enough know-how, skill, talent, panache, strength, etc. to get the job done i want to give up.

this lack luster performance has been pretty steady in all aspects of my life. in college, when my english double major started getting me B-'s instead of A's, i dropped it faster than Speedy G. runs. when i didn't make the chorus for the school musical, i never auditioned again. my lack of patience with my ineptitude goes on and on.

take this summer for instance: i was supposed to organize a summer camp program for the not-for-profit at which i work. due to lots of things (bad timing, lack of support, not enough publicity, procrastination...) it hasn't been working out. the main reason being that we don't have enough kids signed up. the minute i saw this project going wonky (i love me the scottish language!) i wanted to abandon ship. i majored in drama at school because i loved it, because i was good at it. now that i am not anymore (well, at least not at the recruiting aspect), i want to find another career path, something i can really excel at.

now, i could look at this two ways. the "glass half full way" says that of course i don't want to follow through now because i am the kind of hard worker that likes to prepare all the facets of a task in advance and i don't think a job is worth doing if it is half ass. the other way to look at it is that i am perfectionist and unless i deem (only i can make this call) that i am extraordinary at something, i don't want to do it.

i am a boss's nightmare.

i am a giver upper.

but at least i follow the rules...